Watching Oprah

Self wishes she could say that today, she got down to work and wrote a blue streak! Which she really should have done!

But, first, she spent an hour on Chowhound, reading replies to some of her posts (Someone disagreed with self about old-time Palo Alto hamburger joint Kirk’s Steakburgers, said their hamburgers were “greasy” — !!). Then, in the process of linking to Stephanie Zacharek on Salon.com, self learned that several people had taken issue with a letter self wrote in response to Zacharek’s review of “The Proposal,” a letter in which self referred to Ryan Reynolds as an “unlikely leading man” because he wasn’t “all that handsome.” (“What are you smoking?” wrote one irate gal. “Ryan Reynolds is 110% sexy!” People, don’t confuse your adjectives here, calling someone “hot” is not the same as saying he is handsome!! In fact, on this particular point self finds herself agreeing with Ms. Zacharek, who describes Reynolds’ best expression as akin to the “Vacancy” sign on a motel!)

Then, self planted a lavender. Which, considering that she had already half-dug a planting hole yesterday, turned out to be harder than expected, for it took self a full hour to dig out the rest of the dirt from that hole, and she ended up hacking and hacking at the ground (The ground in self’s front yard is like cement! How did it get that hard? No wonder the neighbors laugh at our lawn! If dear blog readers cannot imagine how bad self’s lawn looks, perhaps one day self will condescend to post a picture. Then dear blog readers will be presented with the inescapable evidence: the tufts of limp brown grass, like little islands, popping up here and there over the dry, brown, caked, hard earth).

Then, self decided to go to Safeway to browse ice cream selections. There, self discovered that Starbucks now makes ice cream, in such flavors as macchiato and caramel frappucino. She would have sprung for that, except that she remembered — just in the nick of time! — that she does not patronize Starbucks. Instead, self decided to buy a small Ben & Jerry’s ice cream. She decided to choose a flavor son might like, rather than something she herself might like, because perhaps that would stall her desire to consume it all in one sitting. Alas, her self control lasted exactly 15 minutes after getting home.

Then, self settled down on the couch to watch Oprah. And, as luck would have it, the guests today were Valerie Bertinelli, Marie Osmond, and Star Jones, all talking about their “weight issues” and how they conquered them. Of the three, self thinks Valerie looks the best, and Star Jones looks the saddest (Star, you were way prettier before the stomach stapling! Now, self doesn’t know why, but your face looks harder, and the expression is different. Now self hears Star telling Oprah that all her previous bubbliness was just an act! She wasn’t really happy, she was just pretending! Oh, no!)

OK, that’s enough, self! Quit ‘cher procrastinating and get down to business!

Stay tuned, dear blog readers, stay tuned.

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