Help for the Fashion-Challenged Writer

This is a strange, strange Sunday morning.

For one thing, self has already caught Gracie eating crap — again.

For another, self has planted, single-handedly, huge 5-gallon rhododendron (without changing out of her nightgown, all covered with clumps of clayey soil now, my bad)

This morning, self is mulling about fashion. Self thought she had dressed OK for Davies concert last night, then arrived and no one was in red, and then she felt pretty stupid, like someone who dresses for the 80s but is actually in 2008. All the fashionable Asian ladies (and there were quite a few, this being San Francisco, were in: black coats with tie belts; black boots, stiletto heel; black tights; short, tight black skirts, black or grey turtlenecks; scarves — white or black)

Today, self is mulling over the following fashion questions:

What to wear to a Filipino literary event? Now, and for all time, self has the answer: a Maria Clara (How does self know this? Because she was invited to a Filipino literary event, and it was — politely — suggested that she wear this)

What to wear when one is shopping at the local Safeway? (Not sweats, because the other day self bumped into a former student, one of those who were openly contemptuous of self, and she was in sweats, and she will never forget the up-and-down scornful look her attire elicited from former student)

What to wear to a reading (non-Filipino)? Jeans. Blue. Sans make-up (lest audience think one is trying to compete with Danielle Steele or Isabel Allende)

What to wear to a high school reunion? Depends on the season. If around Christmas, then definitely red and green (Self knows this because when her Assumption high school class planned its first Bay Area reunion, a month before Christmas, invitation specified red and green attire)

What to wear to a college reunion? If it is being held in a swanky hotel? Evening gown (Self knows this because at her Ateneo reunion, a few years ago, which was held in a hotel in Santa Clara, self showed up in skirt and sweater and every other woman was in an evening gown)

What to wear when showing up (unexpectedly) at hubby’s office to invite him to (surprise) lunch? Tight, tight, tight everything (suck up tummy and avoid breathing). Anything shiny, metallic, with gold Lurex threads. Va-va-va-voom hair (Preferably. If it makes hubby’s office mates think “Dolly Parton,” so much the better)

What to wear when gardening in front yard (as, when one is in one’s own backyard, one can just wear any old thing, even a nightgown, while planting): Something casual yet flattering — like a t-shirt (bright) and jeans (If one has nice bum, the better to display when bending over a flowerbed)

Which brings self to her latest discovery: on the value of scarves

Self remembers Dearest Mum exclaiming over the good taste of Uncle-who-is-a-security-guard’s soon-to-be bride. Dearest Mum urged self to also knot silk scarves around her neck, as Uncle’s soon-to-be-bride was fond of doing. At the time (self was just 17), she met such suggestions with exceeding scorn. “People will love me for who I am, Mom,” she would intone (silly, silly girl)

Now, however, self is hunting all over for the proper scarf to knot around her neck. As, she is a writer and refuses to go under the knife for any reason whatsoever (Unlike untold number of ex-classmates — ha ha ha ha ha! Or ex-Sacred Heart Parent Board co-members!)

So, thank you Dearest Mum! Thank you for always being ready to point out how self can improve herself, appearance-wise! If only self had taken your advice to heart more often! Perhaps even now she might have a following of more than a dozen people! And might find herself tagged on the “Look Book” at Buzzsugar!

Stay tuned, dear blog readers, stay tuned.