Thinking About Everlark

It is Friday.

Self is pondering her fan fiction.

Unless you’ve been lost in space for four years, you know that she ships Everlark. And only Everlark.

Her readers — self has no idea who they are, because this is fan fiction. Everyone goes by an alias.

She loves when someone leaves a comment and says: Hey, are you going to update this story? It’s been years!

This morning, she’s re-reading a story by Ronja (who is Swedish, self thinks)

684 days ago, a reader left Ronja this comment:

Por favor, ni de casualidad que me puedo morir de tristeza.

Though self’s Spanish is a bit rusty, she thinks she can figure out the gist.

That’s because Ronja has Peeta engaged to someone else.

In self’s newest fan fic, Peeta is a serial killer. Or at least, a suspected serial killer. And Katniss is a detective (with a few secrets of her own), and her partner is Gale. And just so you know, self frequently gets comments like this on her own fic:

Jesus, can’t your Peeta catch a break?

Well, no, he cannot.

LOL

Bodies pop up all over San Francisco.

Stay tuned, dear blog readers. Stay tuned.

 

Me Katniss, You Peeta

A cross-over fic in which Katniss is Jane, a forlorn human stuck in the jungle with apes. Nevertheless, her thought process is in English, and grammatical English at that.

Peeta enters the picture (Katniss refers to him as “the Peeta creature”) with a tiresome mate named “the Delly.” Apparently, Delly recently had a bout of the fever, so she and Peeta went to the jungle to recuperate, which is where the Peeta encounters Katniss.

Faster than you can say tiddlywinks, Katniss is taken to London by the Peeta, and ensconced in a palatial home. The following conversation ensues (Katniss can already speak English!)

Katniss:  If you are civilly joined, why haven’t you tried procreation? Isn’t that the humans’ goal in life? To create more?

Peeta (hesitantly): Sure. But Delly and I want to take it slow. At a sloth’s pace, if you will.

Katniss: How long have you been joined?

Peeta: Four years.

Katniss: Wow. Some sloths are moving faster than you, I hate to say.

Stay tuned, dear blog readers. Stay tuned.

And On the Everlark Front

Self’s faaaavorite Everlark tags (for those readers who respect self’s reading choices: she goes high-brow and low-brow. Not that she’s calling Everlark low-brow. For all we know, Jane Austen might have been writing fan fiction if she were alive today. Shut up! Not sorry)

•  Cyborg Katniss
• Cyborg Peeta
• Junior Scientist Peeta
• Dark Peeta
• Killer Katniss
• Vampire Peeta
• Age Gap Everlark

Hmmm, let’s see. What else?

On the Northanger Abbey front, the dastardly brother-sister team of Isabella and John Thorpe try and twist Catherine’s arm into ditching a sort of “date” she has made with Mr. Tilney to go for a walk. Will they succeed? Stay tuned.

Actually a Very Good Question

Self has been browsing movie reviews, and binge-watching Ripper Street, and tweeting with fans about it, and beginning yet another fan fiction, which she needs like a hole in the head, but this one’s irresistible, this one’s got a Really Really Dark Peeta, a Peeta who just might be a murderer! Like Jack the Ripper! . . . Sorry! Back to the reason for this post.

From Critic After Dark’s review of The Shallows (which self saw aaaaages ago, at the start of the summer — feels like a lifetime!) starring Blake Lively, whose legs are so on point self can’t even:

Then of course death crashes the party in the form of a humpback whale carcass. Clever way to account for the Great White cruising nearby (otherwise it’s a bit of a puzzler why the shark — which habituates the waters of California, Northeast United States, South Africa and Australia — is hanging around a Mexican beach) but also raises a whole other question: why forego this tasty, properly wet-aged all-you-can-eat buffet of rich blubber and tender meat for a bony surfer who would hardly make up a satisfying snack?

In answer to which self wishes she could insert a hundred “shrug” emojis!

And self  has a question of her own for reviewer Noel Vera: How does he know the carcass is that of a humpback whale? Because it literally is half gone. So there is no possible way to determine whether it really does have a humped back. Har, har, har! Sorry, self just couldn’t resist making a lame joke.

Self will close with a list of the summer 2016 movies she most enjoyed:

• The Shallows
• Captain America: Civil War
• Our Kind of Traitor
• Café Society
• Love & Friendship
• Ghostbusters
• Bad Moms

Oh, summer. Self can’t believe it’s almost over.

Stay tuned, dear blog readers. Stay tuned.

 

Sentence of the Day: Mejhiren

Mejhiren has a tumblr called Porchwood where she posts drabbles from a fable-like universe. Peeta is the sole victor of his games and he hires Katniss to be his servant in a vast log house on the other side of the lake. He shows up in her home one night clad in a huge bearskin and whisks her away on an enormous sleigh. Since the opening chapter, it’s been hundreds of thousands of words.

From her multi-chapter Everlark When the Moon Fell In Love With the Sun (Katniss is preparing a deerskin which she plans to gift to Peeta):

• Opening a deer skull requires a certain amount of brawn as well as accuracy, especially if you plan to make use of the antlers, and my nerveless hands are in no condition for making precise cuts, let alone ones that might impact the quality of Peeta’s deerskin.

There is great precision in all of Mejhiren’s writings and that’s why self loves it so.

Fairy tales are fairy tales but they must feel absolutely real.

Stay tuned, dear blog readers. Stay tuned.

Everlarkian Feelz 2

Instead of the Hunger Games we have a hotly contested election for the presidency of Panem.

One of the candidates for President is Alma Coin. Her slogan: 24 YEARS OF PEACE. 24 YEARS OF EXPERIENCE. SUPPORT PRESIDENT COIN.

Among her achievements: “She continued the availability of tesserae within the poorest districts of Panem, including District 12, up to six times a year for residents who qualified.”

Mayor Undersee is welcoming candidate Coin to 12 with a themed banquet, “Taste of District 12.”

Unbenknownst to almost everyone in 12, Katniss and Peeta have been exchanging clandestine kisses in the janitor’s closet of the local school.

How are all of these threads connected? You would know if you read fan fiction.

Stay tuned.

 

Most Laconic Comment Ever

There’s this one reader of Everlark fan fiction who’s been leaving one sentence responses to any and all for over a year.

After a chapter on a fan fic based on “The Tudors” where everyone is shown to be snogging or bonking or whatever: The court is a busy place.

In response to a fan fic that’s super-angsty and dark: WOW.

After a Tarzan Peeta fan fic (It is great; self likes it so much better than any Tarzan movie version) dropped a new chapter today, a chapter in which Tarzan Peeta (who knows no English) shows a wary Katniss a scene of two monkeys fornicating in the jungle, then stares intensely into her eyes (Chapter ends right after Katniss stares dumfounded at Tarzan Peeta — which is to say, damn cliffhanger of all cliffhangers!)

Peeta has absolutely no experience with any women, but he wants to _____ with Katniss so the only way he can show her what he wants is to take her to a scene of animals doing it which is so — sweet and gentlemanly, like he’s asking: Are you down with this sort of feral activity, Katniss? I wish not to offend!

Comment:

• Peeta wants to get busy.

LOL LOL LOL

Self finally told the Laconic Commenter how much she enjoyed those cryptic zingers, and found out today that the commenter is a busy Mom who dashes through airports while madly reading fan fic on her cell phone. Which explains everything.

There was another comment on the Tarzan Peeta fan fic that cracked self up today:

• I did see the Tarzan movie and it is good. Alexander S’s body is fabulous. Sorry to digress.

Stay tuned, dear blog readers. Stay tuned.

 

 

Everlark Tuesday

Greatness:

Seventeen-year-old Katniss Everdeen, from the poor side of town, writes a YA dystopian fantasy about kids fighting each other to the death, and wins a scholarship to a private academy.

Her book focuses on a pair of lovers: a talented archer and the boy whose family is in the restaurant business. The fictional lovers are Allium and Barley. Never thinking the book would see the light of day, Katniss bases Allium on herself, and Barley on her secret crush, Peeta Mellark (LOL ROFL LMAO)

The book is picked up by a big New York publishing house.

Her uncle Haymitch has a lawyer-friend named Chaff who goes over the book contract, and Katniss has her first meeting with a publishing executive:

The man who sat with us this time was older, a jolly man with thinning grey hair. He expressed some concern about publishing under my real name and I jumped at the opportunity to use a pseudonym. Which is how I became EFFIE TRINKET. I thought for sure the publishing rep would balk at such a crazy name but he didn’t bat an eye. I guess with a name like Plutarch he just didn’t find my choice strange.

Stay tuned, dear blog readers. Stay tuned.

 

Everlark Thursday

Twenty years after the demise of President Snow, Peeta starts having nightmares about the Games again. He’s re-called to the Capitol so Dr. Aurelius can help him figure out why. Turns out there is a mysterious Katniss look-alike named Melania who haunts his dreams . . . and who also happens to be on-staff in the hospital where Peeta is currently being treated.

Coincidence? Or evidence of a nefarious conspiracy? Self’s feeling is —

No! Peeta! Stop! Eeeeeeeeek! Go back to 12, pronto!

(To be continued)

Peeta, Male Escort

God, everything today is so, so. Terrible. And depressing.

Now, self needs massive doses of Everlark. And potato chips. Everlark and potato chips and poetry.

Elena Ferrante is absolutely no help. Elena Ferrante writes sentences like: “I grew fond of Antonio almost without realizing it.” Woman, we are only 20 pages from the end and your protagonist hasn’t yet HAD SEX! Not even a little bit! OMG, amazing! Self thought the protagonist was in love with Antonio 50 pages ago! Instead, Ferrante has her protagonist musing with pride that “The stationer was extremely satisfied with the way I had taken care of the children . . . ”

Anyhoo, on to the

Everlark Conversation of the Day!

KA-BOOM! That’s what self’s talking about, baby!

Katniss is maid-of-honor for her younger sister’s wedding. In this Hunger Games AU, that sister is Delly. Delly might have slept with Katniss’s fiancée (Thom). Thom, overcome with guilt over having betrayed Katniss with her sister, breaks off their engagement. Now, Katniss needs to find a date to her sister’s wedding, pronto! She of course cannot show up solo because everyone will throw pitying glances her way. So she cashes in her IRA and hires male escort Peeta Mellark for the weekend. Which is an excellent decision. Really, the best.

The wedding is in Seattle (Why? Just because). Katniss and Peeta meet on the flight. Peeta apologizes, saying: “I’m usually much more prompt.” Katniss waves off the apology.

“Work must be killer,” she says.

Peeta takes it in stride, though his impossibly blue eyes widen.

LOL LOL LOL

Stay tuned.