In Honor of Self’s Fan Fic Readers, Who Have Been Campaigning for Self’s Cheating Peeta to “Grow a Pair”

In honor of self’s fan fiction readers, who tell her they get so distracted when she updates. If they’re at work (and most of them do work), they end up sneaking off to the restroom to read the latest chapter of her Cheating Peeta fic. ALL HAIL!

Self just a half hour ago introduced a passage about Katniss being so lonely while Peeta was out carousing with his blonde bimbo that she ends up taking archery classes.

Yes, the gal turns out to be quite a natural!

Peeta finds out only after Katniss has filed for divorce and shipped out for Cambodia!

The information comes to Peeta by way of his next-door neighbor, Mr. XXXXXXX, a poet who teaches at San Francisco State. (Self’s fic is decidedly modern AU, OOC)

Mr. XXXXXXX tells Peeta:

“Boy, are you even in the same marriage as she, hello? Hello? Anybody home?” Mr. XXXXXXX walked right up to Peeta and began knocking lightly on the top of his head with his knuckles. Peeta batted his hand away. “You started spending all those weekends away from home, she was lonely, all right? We’d talk. She’d ask me what I thought she should do. I told her: fresh air and exercise! Turns out she always loved hunting in the woods when she was a little girl. While you were off with blonde bimbo, she was taking archery lessons. Why she hasn’t planted an arrow in your nuts yet, I don’t know. Must have the patience of Buddha.”

And, to up Peeta’s misery, Katniss has stopped taking his calls, Peeta’s parents suggest she may have met “someone else” over there in Siem Reap, and his blonde turns out to be a “Fatal Attraction” stalker. BWAH HA HAAAA!

Stay tuned, dear blog readers. Stay tuned.

In the Dark Future Days of Panem . . .

There is a society where men are slaves, to be led around by leashes at all times!

Into this maelstrom of human dysfunction appears — a very prim and proper young lady named Katniss Everdeen, who doesn’t like using leashes on her personal slave, one Peeta Mellark, who she received as a gift from her aunt Effie Trinket, who procured Peeta at a slave auction!

Sample dialogue:

Peeta (to Katniss): I pray you’re not a leash person.

Katniss: Don’t worry, I’m not. My aunt Effie, maybe. She’s always wanted a puppy to walk.

Peeta: Oh God, I can see it now. Knowing Ms. Trinket it’s probably a hot pink collar studded with little sparkly diamonds.

This is Fan Fiction (Not self’s of course! Self doesn’t write anything this deliciously twisted)

Lord knows why, but just before Christmas, self undertook to write a new fan fiction, forgetting that the fan fiction universe is relentless, and once the “beast” (reader views, favorites, bookmarks, and so forth) is unleashed, it must be fed. Constantly.

For instance, today, self spent four hours re-writing the chapters she had already posted. Which was mighty confusing to her readers.

What is not confusing is the reaction to self’s (cheating) Peeta:

  • I want to reach into the computer and punch him in the face!
  • Someone please give him a black eye!
  • Why is he such a wuss? He needs to grow a pair!
  • He’s nothing but a lying, cheating Mama’s Boy!
  • I hope he and his girlfriend are struck by lightning!
  • Is this going to be Everlark? Cause I just don’t see Everlark happening in your scenario. Katniss should punch him in the face!

OMG, what just happened?

Self had to swear up and down the fan fiction universe that the story would indeed be Everlark, but now that everyone has expressed their utter disgust at “this Peeta,” self is getting second-hand revulsion feels similar to the way she used to receive second-hand smoke from The Man.

Yes, self thinks, you Peeta are nothing but a lying, cheating @@##!! (expletive deleted). The only solution would be for self to end your life (on the page)! Die, Cheating Peeta, die!

Hence, her stumbling across the Slave Peeta fic, which is actually a very interesting trope, though not quite as interesting, perhaps, as Tranny Peeta (Well helloooo, Caitlyn Jenner backwash!) or Peeta having the starring role in an all-queer production of Hamlet.

Stay tuned, dear blog readers. Stay tuned.

Never in the History of Everlark Fan Fic

This is definitely a first, dear blog readers!

Self has succeeded in creating a veritable tsunami of hate for Peeta Mellark, baking god, transformed in self’s latest fic into Cheating Peeta, the no-good husband of beloved English high school teacher Katniss Everdeen. Peeta is the youngest son of an iconic family, owners of one of the oldest bakeries in San Francisco (dating from Gold Rush days), Mellark’s, whose swank offices overlook the Golden Gate Bridge and the Marina.

Comments re: new story featuring Delly “Fatal Attraction” Cartwright!

Why does Peeta keep f___ Delly for heaven’s sake what is this nonsense may Peeta AND Delly both be struck by lightning!

YES YES YES!

That means it’s working! It’s working! Self’s fan fic is definitely hitting the mark!

But first, more chees-y drama featuring pink-ensemble-loving Delly and her OSK (OPERATION SABOTAGE KATNISS!)

In self’s skilled intrigue-generating hands, Delly’s favorite perfume, White Shoulders, is all over the duvet in Katniss and Peeta’s bedroom!

WAAAAAH!

*     *     *

Side Note: Christmas is a heavenly time for Everlark fan fic. A majority of the authors seem to hold back their latest installments for the week before Christmas and then unleash! Self is all like YAY! The Kraken’s been unleashed! Seriously, would you rather be snarling over parking spaces at the mall or reading fan fic in bed? Is that even a choice???

One of self’s all-time favorite fics dropped today, and this comment was typical:

*pained groaning * Oh my goodness. Just kiss each other. IT’S BEEN A YEAR. SHUT UP AND KISS.

Stay tuned, dear blog readers. Stay tuned.

Gatskill Sentence of the Day (Story # 8, BAD BEHAVIOR)

“Connie, yo!” Franklin appeared with his hair in his eyes and his pores flowing magnanimously.

— “Other Factors” (Story #8 in Bad Behavior)

 

Story # 8 in Gaitskill’s BAD BEHAVIOR

“Secretary” was over surprisingly quickly!

All self has to say is: the movie took a slight story (one of the slightest Gaitskill stories self has ever read) and made of it a fully realized film.

Who directed the movie? Must find out! He/She deserves kudos!

Self hardly feels anything for the character on the page, but in the movie, her heart went out immediately to Maggie Gyllenhaal’s character. Rent it on Netflix, if you haven’t already seen it!

Now to Story # 8 in Bad Behavior:

She remembered something he had said to her sometime before: “Don’t worry, Connie. In fifteen years, I’ll be doing my retrospective at the Whitney and you’ll be publishing regularly in The New Yorker.” He paused. “But by then we’ll be ugly.”

LOL!

To close, another picture self took yesterday, while walking the High Line:

DSCN2302

There is a Museum of . . . Sex? Self learns something new every day!

Stay tuned, dear blog readers. Stay tuned.

 

 

Battlestar Galactica/ Hunger Games Crossover by Dutch War Lord is Pure Gold

Katniss call sign: Sweetheart (Assigned by Haymitch, of course. Frack, frack, frack!)

Peeta call sign: Baker

Situation: Peeta’s Viper has been shot down! Battlestar pilots need to rescue him, ASAP!

Stay tuned, dear blog readers. Stay tuned.

Notes to Self

Brrr, brrr, brrr.

It is cold in New York City.

Christmas lights down the avenues.

Self met up with nephew Chris and he told her that he and his sister just invested in their first piece of New York real estate.

Self was astounded, simply astounded. How is it that these kids can afford to buy and assume their first mortgage and they’re still in their 20s? While self is still meandering in her usual thickets of she-doesn’t-know-what.

Anyhoo, just for fun, self began combing through her archives and found these photos she had taken in AWP Seattle, 2014.

DSCN4232

Oh, fan fiction. Yesterday she started writing a drabble about a Cheating Peeta. As in: Peeta cheats on Katniss. Yeah. And he lives in San Francisco. And his mistress is Delly. Who loves wearing pink.

Must be all those Mary Gaitskill stories she’s been reading.

DSCN4233

Stay tuned, dear blog readers. Stay tuned.

The Kind of Conversation

Still on Story # 1 of Mary Gaitskill’s 1988 collection, Bad Behavior.

Self can already tell she’s going to be stretching out the reading of this book for as long as she can.

She read Middlemarch in a little over two months.

Bad Behavior is about a third as long: let’s see if self can stretch it out a month.

She felt the thread of connection almost immediately. Let’s just say, she felt the thread of connection starting page 1.

Here’s an example of what self considers a typical conversation between Gaitskill characters:

He kissed the blue vein on her neck and enjoyed the silly beat of his heart. “You’re like a pretty shadow.”

Her eyes darted with worry. “You like me because I’m like you.”

He smiled tolerantly and stroked her neck. “You’re not like me. No one is like me. I’m a phenomenon.”

She looked tired and turned away from him to her drink.

Stay tuned, dear blog readers. Stay tuned.

That Fateful Moment When It All Comes Crashing Down: MIDDLEMARCH, p. 72

The old dotard Casaubon (HOW, self asks, how does one pronounce that simply ridiculous name?) has taken his future bride, Dorothea, to his rather meager estate (Remember Dorothea turned down a proposal from a young and attractive baronet, Sir James Chattam, in order to assert her preference for the much older and much sillier Casaubon). In the distance, they espy a figure, that of a young man lost in thought, wandering around with a sketchbook.

Dear blog readers, when a young man appears, attached to the estate of the much older man, and this older man is a silly and benighted person, who is bringing his young future bride for a first glimpse of his new home, there is only one way this can go down: Think Tennessee Williams. Faster than self can say “Desire Under the Elms,” Dorothea and her betrothed approach (What really clinches the deal is that the young man is toting around a sketchbook. Artists are crrrrazy. Crrrrazy attractive. Just ask the Bronte sisters)

Here is what transpires:

The young man had laid down his sketch-book and risen. His bushy light-brown curls (Think of Samson in the Old Testament! The appeal of the hair!), as well as his youthfulness, identified him at once . . .

“Dorothea, let me introduce to you my cousin, Mr. Ladislaw. Will, this is Miss Brooke.” (And what person can withstand a young man named Will? Certainly not self, who just this year fell in love with Will Herondale from Cassandra Clare’s Victorian Steampunk trilogy, The Infernal Devices!)

The cousin was so close now that, when he lifted his hat, Dorothea could see a pair of gray eyes rather near together, a delicate irregular nose (like Tom Hiddleston’s? The guy who plays Loki in those Thor movies?) with a little ripple in it (like Owen Wilson’s?), and hair falling backward . . . Young Ladislaw did not think it necessary to smile, as if he were charmed to this introduction to his future second cousin and her relatives, but wore rather a pouting air of discontent. (Heathcliff! Oh where art thou, Heathcliff!)

“You are an artist, I see . . . “

And self will pause here. Right here. So she can drive dear blog readers crazy with anticipation.

Stay tuned.

Self’s Fan Fiction: So “Meta”

As self got to Chapter 44 of her Hunger Games Everlark Fan Fiction, which she’d begun last year, in Chicago, she realized she’d written herself (or, rather, her characters) into a corner.

Peeta, the main, was last seen running flat out down a Capitol Avenue, completely naked, while two men in black suits (who self can’t help calling — if only in her head — Tweedledum and Tweedledee) give chase.

In order to close the scene properly, she had to show what happened to Peeta.

But other than teleportation, she didn’t know how to solve the problem. And teleportation is such a cop-out (though, in this case, it would be really effective, since it would get Peeta back to 12, where Katniss sits waiting. Oh, BTW, Katniss is married to Gale — the AWFULNESS of it all! — and Gale is still alive. Only he’s in jail. Framed for the murder of Peeta’s father. Because Cray, who arrested him, has the hots for Katniss. And enjoys making Katniss go to his office so he can keep extending the most lascivious and stomach-churning invitations to her.)

So since the start of this year Peeta has been languishing, naked, in the Capitol, with no hope of rescue.

But, self being the wiliest fan fiction writer on the planet, she devised a couple of different endings, and posted them all.

But — copout, much?

One reader inquired: “Umm, is this the end? No little anything between the other train station in a bathrobe and the Post-Epilogue? EEEEEEEK !!!”

And well may that reader say “EEEEEEK !!!”  Self is so EEEEEEK herself, she can’t even.

Stay tuned.

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