“I cannot enjoy my life unless I am overactive, or find a challenge that makes me ebullient.”
— Rinker Buck, The Oregon Trail: A New American Journey
Self bought five books on this trip: five big, fat books. What was she thinking?
When she arrived in Cork, two days ago, she found that the platform exit was down a long cement ramp.
Of course, it was easy to roll two suitcases down a ramp.
What self completely failed to appreciate was that, if there is a downhill, there must be an uphill.
She decided to tackle this uphill ramp by finding the right attitude. That is, by sucking it up. About a quarter of the way, she stopped dead and had a most inconvenient thought: I will need a crane.
Then, an older woman in a black pantsuit turned and said, “Come on, give me the bags.” Self was all like, No! These are my bags! These are my punishment!
But the woman decided to pretend self was not protesting, and reached for the bigger of her suitcases.
All the way up the ramp self apologized. At the top, she reached for her big suitcase, absolutely dying with shame. The woman said, matter-of-factly, “I knew you’d never make it up that ramp.”
Meanwhile, it occurs to self that she cannot handle both these bags by herself when she needs to be off and on trains. Constantly.
But, since self has no choice, she decides that an attitude of cheerful denial is the best policy. After all, it’s always worked for her before.
The reason she knows it’s worked for her before is: she has never let go of the notion that suitcases, no matter how heavy, are no big deal. There is terrible disconnect here, but the importance of this notion, this notion of self-punishment followed by absolute self-reliance, is obviously something vital to self’s personality. Why, she has no idea. As vital notions go, this one’s pretty bruising.
Last year, she remembers being helped onto a London bus by the driver himself (No San Francisco MUNI driver would ever relinquish the steering wheel of a bus to help a batty woman. Self’s just saying) He reached down and grabbed her suitcase. After, he said: “I tell you, it must be really nice to leave home knowing you’ve brought all your books with you.”
Stay tuned, dear blog readers. Stay tuned.
