Everlark: Once, in a Cabin Deep in a Forest . . .

. . . there lived a widowed coal miner with 12 children. And these twelve children were:

  • Gloss
  • Darius
  • Finnick
  • Thom
  • Marvel
  • Cato
  • Johanna
  • Glimmer
  • Delly
  • Madge
  • Primrose
  • Katniss

Gloss, Cato, Glimmer, Delly, Madge and Primrose were “fair-haired with cerulean eyes and porcelain, milk-colored skin . . .  Darius and Finnick were the handsome gingers” and Thom, Marvel, Johanna and Katniss were “dark-haired” and “olive-toned.”

One day, the miner is informed that his in-laws have bequeathed him an apothecary but he must travel in person to District Four to claim it.

So the miner took leave of his 12 children and promised to bring them back gifts from Four, and the children asked for:

  • jewels
  • shoes
  • dresses
  • fancy shields

But Katniss asked only for a single white rose.

The miner did not yet know that to get this rose, he would have to go to an “enchanted castle” where “a hijacked prince” held on to the rose for dear life.

How self loves Everlarkian fairy tales. This one’s by author PeetasandHerondales.

Stay tuned, dear blog readers. Stay tuned.

Medicis: Masters of Florence

This is self’s first television series review in, like, forever.

She actually forgot she had a tag marked “television.”

She used to be quite religious about certain shows. Then her schedule blew up. Then America blew up. No, that’s not right. America is still here. Whatever.

Today, she binge-watched a Netflix series called Medicis: Masters of Florence. She must admit, she wasn’t really paying attention to the first episode, especially since Dustin Hoffman was playing a Florentine in an American accent. Then, he died. Which was excellent. Because that meant more screen time with Richard Madden.

There was some angst about Madden’s character (a Medici, of course) marrying a virginal looking woman who nevertheless tells her new husband: Your mother told me all about this other woman, blah blah. And then the nasty mother dies (She was the only person in the series whose death did not come at all as a shock. She had pustules on her face which meant either the Black Death or the Red Death, take your pick)

And self doesn’t know why, but she started paying attention from then on, because she really really wanted to know if Medici was going to leave his wife.

Not to mention, the name Brunelleschi kept recurring, and self really liked that Medici’s mistress flirts with him while he is looking at some architectural drawings, and the mistress’s hair is a kind of red that is set off perfectly by her green gown and green dangling earrings.

SPOILER ALERT!

Anyhoo, she watched all the way until the end (8 episodes) and felt so cheated when it all ends with a grand procession in which Medici is shown looking soulful and torn, and his wife is way back in the procession, self means waaaaay back, and the mistress is shown standing primly to one side with her hands calling attention to a belly that after three months is still as flat as a board, and self ardently wished for more of the series so she could watch more of this triangulation, and actually surmised that the wife might take religious vows and retreat to a convent, while the mistress remains in Medici’s arms and supervises the glory of the Medici name (while giving birth to many children).

She was quite surprised to see that she’d watched eight episodes, back to back (Woo! It helps that it is so cold outside!)

Stay tuned, dear blog readers. Stay tuned.

Apple Care Customer Service

Apple Care gets Five Stars!

She was on the phone last night with a young woman named Kanisha who patiently walked self through all the procedures and helped self download stuff that she didn’t even know she needed. The entire call took over two hours, that is how clue-less self is about the latest software!

She decided to call Apple because of her extreme frustration with Hewlett Packard customer service. They pass you on to a third party provider, which is pretty common nowadays but unfortunately that third-party provider started harassing her.

Seven voice mail messages in one day? 10 e-mails in one day? Not to mention the invasion of privacy from the viewcam they switched on without self knowing? It was horrible: self had to change all her passwords and cancel all her credit cards because those vendors were able to get into her laptop so easily, no telling what kind of information they were able to steal before she caught on to the viewcam. And the calls were all like: We just want to make sure you are happy with our service; please return this call. SEVEN TIMES, and plus e-mails. She ended up having to call Verizon and have three numbers that they were using blocked. She also googled the numbers: two were 855, but one was a New York City area code. Go figure.

She thought of telling Apple she’s been a loyal customer for decades and all she needs to do is figure out how to print from a new laserjet printer. She’s had this MacBook Air since 2011 and it’s definitely out of warranty, but she decided it was worth a shot. Maybe they could help her figure out how to connect to a Hewlett Packard laserjet?

The first thing Kanisha did was ask what operating system self had, and that was sooooo out-of-date Kanisha couldn’t even. Kanisha showed her how to download a new operating system, then learn how to navigate it, and that took over two hours.

Self told Kanisha, “I’m sorry I’m really not tech-savvy. This must be the longest customer service call you’ve ever been on.” And Kanisha was so sweet. She said: “No, ma’am. Not by a long shot.”

And today self is so happy because not only can she print (finally!), she also has a brand new operating system that makes her screen so much sharper and everything’s so much more efficient, and when she asked Kanisha how much it would cost for the downloads, Kanisha said, Nothing. No, what she actually said was: It’s free.

It’s free are possibly the two most beautiful words in the English language. Especially at this time of year.

Stay tuned, dear blog readers. Stay tuned.

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