Hewlett Packard Customer Service

Self has only ever used, her whole life, Hewlett Packard laser printers. So fantastic. Spit out high-quality pages at superior speed.

Last Saturday, self was getting a new printer set up, went on the Hewlett Packard website, spent a whole day going around different areas for “community support” (aka NO personal support), finally got a live person in India, was so happy, and so was he, because he said:

THERE YOU ARE.

??????

He took his time, and after half an hour (or, could have been forty-five minutes, until self said she had to go) nothing was done.

This person kept calling back on Sunday, and Monday. Left 7 messages on her cell.

7.

Self called back, finally, and HOLY COW the man was a heavy breather. Like, really heavy breathing. So self said, “Wait a minute. Are you viewing me right now?”

Instantly, all breathing stopped, and then the call continued at normal breathing, HA HA HA HA.

But self kept thinking about that call, so last night she called the San Francisco Police. And the man on duty said, “Can you come in? Bring your laptop with you. In the meantime, get a hold of Hewlett Packard. Talk to a manager.”

Which self did, half an hour ago. Apparently, they already knew about self’s name etc etc (self had spoken to someone in Costa Rica this morning, who said he’d get back to her “in two minutes” but after two hours she decided she was never going to hear back from this person).

This time, lo and behold, she actually spoke to a live person named Barbara in Hewlett Packard Corporate in Palo Alto. And the first thing Barbara tells self (non-recorded call, too bad; Barbara said she was taking everything down as we spoke, so self decided to cut it short, because mebbe she thought self was threatening to sue HP? Seriously? Self is only trying to report that somehow, someone trying to use the Hewlett Packard website will get directed to a Heavy Breather in some foreign clime)

“That’s nothing to do with Hewlett Packard,” is the first thing she tells self.

Oh really? Because self has a $600 Hewlett Packard laser printer, she has always used Hewlett Packard laser printers, and —

“Sounds like you were scammed. You should always be careful with online scammers. They’re everywhere,” Barbara says. (Self is para-phrasing. She is sure Barbara got everything down exactly, but Barbara wouldn’t give self her last name). “Next time, be more careful.”

Ma’am Barbara? Self is a Stanford graduate. She was a Fellow in Creative Writing. She wants to let the world know that Hewlett Packard DOESN’T CARE. Or maybe they do, not just today. Because if you are ever so stupid as to go on the Hewlett Packard website, and find yourself talking to someone in India, you should know that that person is up to no good, and you should hang up right away.

And self finally had to say, “You know, I have no intention of suing HP — ” which absolutely sent Barbara into a tizzy, as if self were in fact THE SCAMMER from India. And this was part of a con. Self only said that because of the weird way Barbara was acting. AS IF self’s ulterior motive was to set up HP.

You know, San Francisco Police never questioned self, when she called. They told her to COME IN.

Self had to change all her credit cards (which means, all the gifts she paid for on Paypal will not be delivered) and she had to change all her passwords. It’s been such a LOVELY day.

Self told Barbara all the numbers she had stored in her cell, apparently Barbara is such a whiz at multi-tasking that she was calling the numbers as self spoke, and she said: None of those numbers are good. As if self was LYING!

Well, duh. Okay. The point was not to catch those thieves (as if that were even possible), but Dear Barbara was acting as if self was so stupid.

Barbara, you are a woman, yes? So maybe you’ve never been panted over on the phone. Maybe you have lived such an ordered, pleasing life that the possibility of even getting a call from a scammer in India will never be on your event horizon. Do you have to make the caller (a fellow sistah) feel stupid? And self knows for a fact that Barbara made her feel stupid. How does she know? Because self felt obligated to tell her that she was a Stanford grad. When self has to go to that length, she is struggling for some shred of dignity or respect or whatever. And she did not get it from Barbara today.

So, self ended up saying (Amazing! She’s not usually so hung up on the Stanford thing), “Barbara, I am a writer. Not only am I a writer, I’m a Stanford graduate. Not only am I a Stanford Graduate, I was a FELLOW IN CREATIVE WRITING. So please, I am not stupid. Okay, so I’ll never call those numbers again. But I think you should know, because I got into this situation because I tried to get Customer Service from Hewlett Packard. And there was NONE forthcoming.”

Self is sure Barbara is googling her right now! Barbara made self spell her first name and her last name (and it’s so easy, she’ll probably land on this post, right away! Well hello there, Barbara! We meet again! Such a pleasure!)

Stay tuned.

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