In Honor of Self’s Fan Fic Readers, Who Have Been Campaigning for Self’s Cheating Peeta to “Grow a Pair”

In honor of self’s fan fiction readers, who tell her they get so distracted when she updates. If they’re at work (and most of them do work), they end up sneaking off to the restroom to read the latest chapter of her Cheating Peeta fic. ALL HAIL!

Self just a half hour ago introduced a passage about Katniss being so lonely while Peeta was out carousing with his blonde bimbo that she ends up taking archery classes.

Yes, the gal turns out to be quite a natural!

Peeta finds out only after Katniss has filed for divorce and shipped out for Cambodia!

The information comes to Peeta by way of his next-door neighbor, Mr. XXXXXXX, a poet who teaches at San Francisco State. (Self’s fic is decidedly modern AU, OOC)

Mr. XXXXXXX tells Peeta:

“Boy, are you even in the same marriage as she, hello? Hello? Anybody home?” Mr. XXXXXXX walked right up to Peeta and began knocking lightly on the top of his head with his knuckles. Peeta batted his hand away. “You started spending all those weekends away from home, she was lonely, all right? We’d talk. She’d ask me what I thought she should do. I told her: fresh air and exercise! Turns out she always loved hunting in the woods when she was a little girl. While you were off with blonde bimbo, she was taking archery lessons. Why she hasn’t planted an arrow in your nuts yet, I don’t know. Must have the patience of Buddha.”

And, to up Peeta’s misery, Katniss has stopped taking his calls, Peeta’s parents suggest she may have met “someone else” over there in Siem Reap, and his blonde turns out to be a “Fatal Attraction” stalker. BWAH HA HAAAA!

Stay tuned, dear blog readers. Stay tuned.

In the Dark Future Days of Panem . . .

There is a society where men are slaves, to be led around by leashes at all times!

Into this maelstrom of human dysfunction appears — a very prim and proper young lady named Katniss Everdeen, who doesn’t like using leashes on her personal slave, one Peeta Mellark, who she received as a gift from her aunt Effie Trinket, who procured Peeta at a slave auction!

Sample dialogue:

Peeta (to Katniss): I pray you’re not a leash person.

Katniss: Don’t worry, I’m not. My aunt Effie, maybe. She’s always wanted a puppy to walk.

Peeta: Oh God, I can see it now. Knowing Ms. Trinket it’s probably a hot pink collar studded with little sparkly diamonds.

This is Fan Fiction (Not self’s of course! Self doesn’t write anything this deliciously twisted)

Lord knows why, but just before Christmas, self undertook to write a new fan fiction, forgetting that the fan fiction universe is relentless, and once the “beast” (reader views, favorites, bookmarks, and so forth) is unleashed, it must be fed. Constantly.

For instance, today, self spent four hours re-writing the chapters she had already posted. Which was mighty confusing to her readers.

What is not confusing is the reaction to self’s (cheating) Peeta:

  • I want to reach into the computer and punch him in the face!
  • Someone please give him a black eye!
  • Why is he such a wuss? He needs to grow a pair!
  • He’s nothing but a lying, cheating Mama’s Boy!
  • I hope he and his girlfriend are struck by lightning!
  • Is this going to be Everlark? Cause I just don’t see Everlark happening in your scenario. Katniss should punch him in the face!

OMG, what just happened?

Self had to swear up and down the fan fiction universe that the story would indeed be Everlark, but now that everyone has expressed their utter disgust at “this Peeta,” self is getting second-hand revulsion feels similar to the way she used to receive second-hand smoke from The Man.

Yes, self thinks, you Peeta are nothing but a lying, cheating @@##!! (expletive deleted). The only solution would be for self to end your life (on the page)! Die, Cheating Peeta, die!

Hence, her stumbling across the Slave Peeta fic, which is actually a very interesting trope, though not quite as interesting, perhaps, as Tranny Peeta (Well helloooo, Caitlyn Jenner backwash!) or Peeta having the starring role in an all-queer production of Hamlet.

Stay tuned, dear blog readers. Stay tuned.

Quote of the First Sunday After Christmas (2015)

American Rust is such a guy story. At first, self wasn’t sure she should follow up her reading of Middlemarch with this, but she decided to give it a go.

As it turns out, American Rust is the perfect story to follow her reading of George Eliot. There is an accidental killing, and right now, in her present mood, self really enjoys seeing someone (other than self, for once) make questionable decisions. Such as: panicking after accidentally killing someone, and then not hiding the body well enough. Those are two big, big, big questionable decisions.

But there is a woman in the story who makes perfect sense. And here is something from her point of view:

They’re simple facts is all. Your only power is choosing what to make of them. She stayed under two weeks with a few pounds of rocks in her pockets. There is your lesson from that.

(Ever wonder why self’s holiday reading is so dark? Well, self wonders that, too!)

Stay tuned, dear blog readers. Stay tuned.

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