How Self Got to Fort Bragg to Watch “Jupiter Ascending” in the Middle of a Huge Storm

The storm hit in the wee hours. Self knows because she’s been up since 4 a.m. The wind was howling.

Then there were these periodic siren blasts.

What does that mean?

At about 4 p.m., self began having major claustrophobia FEELZ. She felt that if she did not get out of the apartment for some fresh air, she would

go crazy.

So she drove 10 miles north to Fort Bragg, all to see American Sniper — she hopes Clint appreciates this!

When she got to Coast Cinema, she found out there was something wrong with the projector for American Sniper. The only other movie choices were: The Theory of Everything (which she’d already seen, but if forced she could probably stand to watch Redmayne again), the Sponge Bob Square Pants movie, or Jupiter Ascending.

Honestly, she’d

die rather than see Sponge Bob, she’s done her share of kiddie movies. So she opted for Jupiter Ascending. She was surprised it starred Channing Tatum, because she hadn’t seen any previews for it. Zip, nada.

She got handed a pair of 3D glasses, so that’s it, she had no choice, she almost never watches 3D because it makes her dizzy, but she’d driven 10 frickin’ miles, she couldn’t go back to Mendocino without watching a movie!

And — Holy Cow! The movie also had Eddie Redmayne! And another Brit who had an absolutely gorgeous mouth, self was so mesmerized, she didn’t even digest anything he was saying, not a single line of dialogue, all she kept thinking was: Boy does that guy have the greatest mouth! And — hope he gets to play the Bad Guy again in some other movie.

She really liked Mila Kunis, though Mila has nothing on J-Law when it comes to playing at housecleaning. Self means, there’s a scene where Mila has to scrub a toilet (She’s a housecleaner) and she wields that toilet-bowl scrubber as if she were wielding a magic wand or something. That is to say, she holds it very gingerly (Self could not help comparing to how vigorously J-Law wielded those neon yellow Rubbermaid gloves in her American Hustle scene). But, Mila’s performance was the best one in the entire movie, so let’s not beat her up too much about how she wields a toilet bowl scrubber!

Self really does not think Channing’s most recent movies have had him looking at his best. In fact, she can’t remember a movie with “hot” Channing Tatum since Magic Mike, and that was summer of 2012, almost three years ago. She saw Foxcatcher and even though Chan had to wear a wrestling singlet, she kept wishing it were J-Hutch wearing the singlet. And in addition, in this movie, Chan has point-y elf ears, and that plus the blonde eyebrows — let’s just say that isn’t his best look.


There’s a scene where everyone keeps calling Mila Kunis’s character “Your Majesty” (Mila’s character is called Jupiter Jones. Nice touch — self thinks automatically of January Jones, what ever happened to her?), much to her confusion, because ya know, she was just a cleaning lady. Anyhoo, there’s this magical moment where Jupiter is beset by a swarm of bees, but they just float around her body without stinging her. And she asks the perfectly logical question: What is up with those bees?

And Sean Bean’s character tells her: “Bees have been genetically programmed to identify royalty.”


How could self not have come up with that explanation! Instead, some character actually had to EXPLAIN it to her! Duh!

At the closing credits, self was a bit saddened to learn that the makers of Jupiter Ascending (which wasn’t all that bad; the audience in Coast Cinema actually clapped at the end) were the Wachowski brothers. You know, the guys who made The Matrix. Self thinks Jupiter Ascending is a far, far cry from that earlier movie. And how could they have used good actors like Eddie Redmayne, Channing Tatum, Mila Kunis, and Sean Bean, and not made a movie that was super-good?

Stay tuned.


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