Noah, Biblical Action Hero

Self loved the movie.

At least, the

first 3/4 of it.

There were many many surprises awaiting self as she and The Man made their way into the first screening (11:30 a.m.) at the Redwood City Century 20, not the least of which was that we almost didn’t get a seat, the theater was surprisingly full.  Next, there was a sort of science-fiction-y feel to the voice-over narration, and the shots of the cold earth spinning in space sent real shivers up and down self’s spine.  Then there were those Road Warrior-apocalyptic elements, like the barren moon landscapes and the urgent one-word warning which so frequently peppered Noah and his family’s speech: “Men!” — which was confusing, because as far as self could tell, Noah and his family were human, unless — gasp! — they were really aliens disguised in human form?  In which case it would be perfectly appropriate for them to be so fearful of the appearance of Men!

After self realized that this Noah was very AU — Alternate Universe — she thoroughly enjoyed it.  Especially the  scenes of Noah demolishing his enemies with his great physical prowess (and some help from an Ancient named, very appropriately, Methuselah and played, also appropriately, by Anthony Hopkins).  The end did get a bit dragg-y.  Especially since none of Noah’s latter actions and pronouncements made any sense —  at least they didn’t, to self.

She loved that Jennifer Connelly was in it, looking lean and absolutely lovely in those distressed knits — apologies, self meant: in those Biblical peasant tunics.  She never seemed to age a day, from the first to the last frame.  But self thinks the movie gave her such an iconic stature.  It was only right that while Russell Crowe’s character got grayer and grayer (and even, FAT) by the end, his wife remained statuesque, proud, and un-bowed.  About the only time Jennifer looked slightly “mature” was when she was giving Emma Watson’s character the pregnancy test — some fabulous procedure involving heat and dried herbs mixed together in a stone mortar or something like.  Emma Watson looked of course her age, and self doesn’t know why but the camera seemed to linger on the lines on Jennifer Connelly’s face (That’s a STANFORD grad, self felt like shouting out to the audience.  High fives!)

That Darren Aronofsky sure is crazy.  Imagine showing us a Noah who is so anguished, so tense, so dogged to the point of being despotic!  And almost borderline mental!  And how dare he cast a man to play the bad guy who reminded self so much of Mickey Rourke but was in fact Ray Winstone!  And imagine making Logan Lerman play the rebellious son, Ham!  And putting Transformers in it, too!  And a whole screen-ful of writhing snakes!  And ancient sleep fumes that work their magic on the beasts but not on humans!  And Russell Crowe underwater!  And Russell Crowe waking up buck nekkid on a beach! And making Noah’s eldest son (who self thought looked like Alex Pettyfer but was in fact Douglas Booth) so pretty despite matted “Wild Man” hair! She almost thought there was going to be a love triangle between Noah’s two older sons and Emma Watson, but then she remembered this was the Old Testament, not The Hunger Games (Though self is pretty sure there were three-somes in ancient times, because after all, why not)

More in a minute, dear blog readers.  Much more.


  1. April 1, 2014 at 4:38 pm

    I must go and see this.

    • April 2, 2014 at 12:42 am

      I think you will enjoy it. If you enjoy Alternate Universe, then you will enjoy it.

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