Self, What Is Going On?

Seriously, self, you must have been over-medicating with over-the-counter Robitussin because this evening, after spending the whole day in your pajamas and convincing yourself not to buy Mockingjay because the movie Part I hasn’t even come out yet, you have just spent the past two hours rocking the web in search of quotes from Mockingjay and in the meantime, the Henry M. Stanley book on how he found Livingstone in central Africa (which is — let’s just call a spade a spade — a classic, not a YA science fiction thriller, wouldn’t your Stanford mentors be disappointed to learn how, after all that research, all that learning, all that academic training, this is how you ended up, in your jammies on a Monday night, slurping Robitussin and scouring the web for mentions of hijacked Peeta . . . )

Where was she?

Oh yes, the hijacked Peeta thing.

Well, she’s given up.  After extreme and tenacious digging, she has discovered the most ridiculous passage of all time.  Here it is, word for word, from Chapter 20 of Mockingjay.  Self must remind dear blog readers that the following involves of course HUGE HUGE SPOILERS FOR REALS (See, this is what happens when you spend too much time with Team Peeta shippers on Tumbler — you begin to sound like a Team Peeta shipper on Tumbler):

Castor and Pollux

(Wait, has self inadvertently landed in the middle of Greek mythology?  Because as far as she can remember, there was no Castor or Pollux in the future times.  Those were characters from the ancient times.  Self knows that in the future times — which is the time of The Hunger Games — boys only have ridiculous names like Peeta.  But, onward!)

Castor and Pollux carry in a writhing Peeta between them

(WHY is Peeta writhing?  Oh!  Mebbe he was caught stalking Katniss — ?)

Castor and Pollux carry in a writhing Peeta between them.  Somehow Jackson gets cuffs on him

(WHO is this Jackson?  Why is he mixed up with Castor and Pollux?  Oh help!)

Castor and Pollux carry in a writhing Peeta between them.  Somehow Jackson gets cuffs on him, but it only makes him wilder

(At this point, self thinks “wilder” Peeta may not be an entirely bad thing . . . )

Somehow Jackson gets cuffs on him, but it only makes him wilder and they’re forced to lock him in a closet.

Peeta . . . wild . . . handcuffed . . .  locked in a closet . . .

Oh, self’s poor brain!

Peeta . . . wild . . . handcuffed . . . locked in a closet . . .

For REALS?  Noooooo — !

But self’s protests are for naught.  Indeed, self, you have just wasted two hours of your life that you will NEVER get back.  And all because you needed to see for yourself where it all ends . . . in a closet, in a deep dark night, with the handcuffs, and . . .

Seriously, from where did this magical closet come from?  Did it walk right out to where Katniss and the members of her crack team were launching their assault?

Self is confused as to whether this was a real assault, or whether it was just a “pretend assault,” (for propo purposes).  If the latter, then it would make sense that props have been arranged.  Props such as, for example, the very convenient closet.

But something in self’s brain rebels at the image.  Why couldn’t Peeta have been roped to a tree?  Or a fire hydrant?  Or even to a whipping post, like hunka-hunka Gale was in Catching Fire?  Why DID PEETA HAVE TO BE FLUNG INTO — of all things — A CLOSET?  It is a very, very diminishing image.  So — unflattering, frankly.  After this, can Peeta ever be taken seriously as a legitimate love interest for Katniss?  Self thinks not.  Was Collins laying the groundwork for Katniss’s pledging herself unequivocally to Gale?  Probs.

Stay tuned, dear blog readers.  Stay tuned.

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