Chan, You the Man!!!

White House Down superlatives:

  • Chan.  Doing his best Bruce Willis impersonation.  He even strips down to the white tee (which, in true Die Hard fashion, becomes filthy!  Filthy!  Fabulously filthy!)  Note to Any Would-Be Terrorists:  If preparing to assault a high-security facility, the best way to create a diversion is to make sure Chan is around.  His mere presence will create havoc and mayhem, especially with the female personnel; they will all abandon their posts to start flirting with him.  You can then slip in any number of terrorists, under the radar.  In White House Down, the first terrorist slips by as Chan is engaging in some flirtatious repartee with an aide to the Vice President.  Good one, you snarky terrorist! (The American Male as Diversion trope can also be seen in the movie World War Z, when Brad’s movie character is inspecting an impregnable barrier the Israelis have constructed to prevent zombies from entering.  SPOILER ALERT:  As Brad is speaking to the commander in charge of the wall defenses, the zombies choose that exact moment to go over the top.  Here again we see how The Hot Actor can be successfully utilized as Trojan Horse.)
  • Jamie.  A Fighting President.  Shows Just How Hard a Man Is Willing to Fight for his Air Jordans.  Even when he has a whole closet full of shoes to choose from, the President makes the right sartorial choice for the situation:  Air Jordans.  Pristine Air Jordans.  It’s sort of like the moment when Bruce Willis has to make A Very Crucial Choice about a weapon in Pulp Fiction.  He first picks up a hammer, and a baseball bat etc before he finally settles on the  samurai sword.  At which point the entire audience goes:  YES!  That was exactly the same audience reaction when Jamie Foxx opens up his closet full of shoes and settles on the Air Jordans.
  • Maggie.  How gorgeous she is.  Self is 100% sure there is no one in the Secret Service who looks like Maggie.  She can rock the up-do, the slim suit, the “Listen to me” speeches, the “You can’t do this!” remonstrations.  AND she also happens to be married to Peter Sarsgaard, who is so HOT as a death row inmate in the current season of AMC’s “The Killing.”
  • Jason Clarke.  He plays a bad guy.  Which makes you want the bad guy to last till the very end.  Because Jason Clarke is also hot.  Did anyone SEE how he stole Zero Dark Thirty from Jessica Chastain?  Self so loved the scene when he became sullen over the poisoning of his special monkey friends.

Bad Decisions:

  • Giving Chan’s daughter so much airtime.  Who cares about the preternally focused, 11-year-old video blogger?  Even if she does look like a pint-sized Carla Gugino?  Turn the cameras back to Chan, please!  That, after all, is the only reason self bought a ticket!

SPOILER ALERT!

  • The plot:  It’s exactly like Die Hard.  There ARE hostages.  One of whom, of course, is Chan’s annoying little daughter.  Naturally, the terrorists find out.  And naturally they go:  Oh-hoo!  What do we have here?  The man’s daughter?  Let’s threaten to shoot her!
  • There’s some stupid honcho hacking into NORAD while sucking on lollipops and listening to Beethoven.  Why does every terrorist since Die Hard have to have an erudite and eccentric Brainy Dude?

When comparing White House Down to other action movies currently showing, self still prefers (heresy!) The Lone Ranger.

Self, you are so —  eccentric!

Indeed.  But there it is.  She nearly text-ed Niece G:  Guess what!  I saw White House Down!

Self would have seen it with her, only Niece G absolutely refused.  She wanted to see Monsters University.

What!  And miss the chance to see Chan in the white T-shirt?

Ixnay!

Stay tuned, dear blog readers.  Stay tuned.

2 Comments

  1. July 20, 2013 at 12:30 am

    A tag for Indulgences. I will have to see what else comes up with that tag!

    • July 20, 2013 at 3:45 am

      A lot of Channing, a lot of Olyphant, a lot of my favorite television shows, and also a lot of bad-for-you food!


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