Self Having Just Watched Hitchcock’s “Notorious,” Starring the Inimitable Cary Grant

Self has watched “Notorious.”  Did dear blog readers know that Cary Grant even acts with the back of his head?  Seriously!  In “Notorious,” there is a scene where a couple of CIA officers (aka Spymasters-Acting-Like-Schoolboys) discuss Ingrid Bergman’s character while making several snide remarks about her proclivities.  Throughout most of the scene, Cary Grant stands with his back turned to the men, and he has such a fine head, and such a vulnerable-looking neck, and — and —  OK, no need to wait for him to turn his head to know what he is thinking.  No contemporary actor can match that level of suave!

The whole time she was watching “Notorious” (with The Man obnoxiously trying to distract her by creating all kinds of distracting and unnecessary noise with his hands, what a boob —  sorry, but these things must be said), she was trying to imagine a contemporary hot actor in the role, and all she could come up with was —  Channing Tatum!  Noooooo!!!

On second thought:  Ryan Philippe?  Not JGL, he’s too short.  Definitely not Brad Pitt.  Not Pierce Brosnan even in his Remington Steele days.  Leo?  Perhaps.  OK, mebbe Leo.  If he lost 15 lbs.

You know what?  Cary Grant is unique.  There will be no other.

Anyhoo, “Notorious” was a very touching story, the best Hitchcock self has seen so far, though she must say “Vertigo” comes close.  And Ingrid Bergman even bests Eva Marie-Saint, and now all memories of Grace Kelly are lying in the dust, she’s just a stuffed mannequin, that’s what she is, she can’t emote like Bergman or even be sultry like Eva Marie-Saint.

But this movie has again that tiresomely abrupt ending:  Ingrid Bergman is carried to the car by manly Cary Grant, her stupid husband is left behind to face the music, and —  THE END!

If this were a contemporary movie, there would be further dialogue between the reunited lovers, and much shmaltzy music.

But, hold on!  If a person were being systematically poisoned, over the course of a full week, wouldn’t that person be already at death’s door?  Would that person even have any functioning brain cells left?  In other words, would that person really be able to recognize Cary Grant if Cary Grant did indeed happen to walk in the door?

Self cannot tell you with what exultation she watched the thin, tall Cary Grant (really rocking that suit!) ascending the stairs in the Lion’s Den (aka Ingrid Bergman’s husband’s house), finally throwing caution to the winds (but still looking so suave doing it — no, not Sean Connery suave, just Cary-Grant-Suave),  only to find IB lying in bed —  poisoned! — and leaning down close to tell her, “I love you!”


(Pause for palpitation)


The man is such a gentleman, he can’t even think to lead her out of the house without remembering to bring her her shoes!!!

Claude Rains was also perfectly cast.  Every time self took a look at his face, she would think, “Someone must certainly give Bergman’s character a Medal of Valor, for agreeing to be wed to so slimy a personage.”  And what dolt would allow a man like Cary Grant to enter his house — dressed in a tux!  You’d have to be a real dummkopf not to realize that your wife would fall in love, if she hadn’t already!  Note to All Husbands:  Never invite a man who looks like Cary Grant to your house, even if he is your best friend of 20 years.  This can lead to nothing but trouble.  And it will be YOUR fault!

And the Dragon Mother with the coiled blonde braids affixed to the top of her head — was that not the model for the screaming German woman in Austin Powers?

Anyhoo, it was so much fun watching “Notorious.”  Self remembers Dearest Mum’s Mum watching Ingrid Bergman movies on the TV in the guest room, watching with absolutely rapt attention.  Ingrid Bergman was Dearest Mum’s Mum’s favorite actress, and she would watch all her movies, over and over and over and over.  Self might even have caught parts of “Notorious” with her Dearest Mum’s Mum, in her Dearest Mum’s sister’s house, in that Long-Ago-Time known as:  Self’s First Year as a Grad Student.

Stay tuned, dear blog readers.  Stay tuned.

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