“The Jeselnik Offensive” on Comedy Central

My dears, pretty soon self will be wearing her traveling hat again —  it’s been so long, she can scarcely remember where she placed her passport.

In the meantime, she is watching as much American TV as possible, as she always discovers things by watching American TV.  Yesterday afternoon, for instance, The Man came home and immediately began watching something called “The Transit of Venus” on the National Geographic Channel.  The scientific consultants were three luscious babes, which self began to suspect was a set-up, because it is statistically impossible to find, anywhere in the world, three women who look like pin-ups, all of whom are interested in devoting their lives to the study of the planets.

And then, for some reason, self began watching something called “The Jeselnik Offensive” on Comedy Central.  At first she thought:  Yawn.  Just another Daniel Tosh.

But then came a segment in which Jeselnik asked guests to identify “Which kind of Asian is this?”

Super.  Self sat up and began to focus.

The first guest was a young-ish American white guy.  A picture of an Asian was flashed on a screen.  The guy hazarded a guess. (She thinks he said, “Chinese.”)  Wrong!  It was xxxxx.

Next guest was a young-ish African-American woman wearing hip-nerd glasses and a purple top.  A picture of a young Asian woman was flashed on a screen.  Self almost said, “Filipino.”  The woman said something (Self thinks she said, “Chinese.”)  Wrong!  The young woman on the screen was Laotian!  (After hearing the correct answer, self thought:  “Of course!  She does look very Laotian!”)

The final guest was a young-ish Asian American man.  “What do you do?” Jeselnik asked (He asked this of the two previous guests, but self forgot their answers).  The man replied, “I’m a movie critic.”  Without skipping a beat, Jeselnik then said, “What’s the name of your blog?” (BWAH. HA. HA. HA!)  The man said, “I’m on radio.  And I also review movies for the Huffington Post.”

A face of a buck-toothed, widely grinning Asian man, with a bandana tied around his head, was flashed on the screen.  “That’s Mickey Rooney,” the movie critic said.  “Yes!  But what kind of Asian is he playing?” Jeselnik asked.  “Japanese!” the man said.  Wrong!  The right answer flashed on the screen:  ORIENTAL.

Self laughed.

Stay tuned, dear blog readers.  Stay tuned.

Justified 4.12

You asked for it, dear blog readers.  Here, Blog Mistress’s observations on last night’s episode (She missed 4.11; she was picking up son from the San Jose Airport.  Thankfully, it doesn’t seem like she missed very much; at least, she was totally able to follow last night’s episode, without any confusion.)

In last night’s episode:

  • Erica Tazel, who plays Deputy Marshall Rachel Brooks, gets to do another one of her smart-mouth routines.  Love it, love it.  Give this woman a whip already.
  • Raylan does another of his “overwhelming-a-perp” with paternal firmness routines —  but instead of saying, “Shut your mouth,” which he’s uttered twice this season, he simply relieves the would-be shooter of his gun by walking firmly up to him and taking it.  BWAH. HA. HAAAA!  Which is, now that self comes to think of it, a very logical progression from saying, “Shut your mouth!”
  • A gun is placed in the hand of Deputy Marshall Tim Gutterson (Jacob Pitts).  Of course, since Pitts is playing an ex-sniper from Afghanistan, this gun must go off.  This man’s shooting ability is on the same level as Barry Pepper’s (in “Saving Private Ryan”):  He never misses.  He’s like Clint in “The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly.”  Since the frail preacher’s sister is in the vicinity when the gun goes off, one can only assume Gutterson will sit himself down with the woman afterwards, to ask how she is doing.  Ixnay!  Gutterson never sits down afterwards to ask a person how he/she is doing!  This must mean something heavy is going on inside!
  • Then, why oh why did self begin to develop a fondness for the character Colt, about a second before he buys it?  Was it the way he smoked his cigarette in the face of Gutterson’s gun?  Indubitably!
  • Self loves Ella May.  She loves Ella May.  She loves Ella May.  She’s the character of fate, of miracles, of the weak up-ending the strong.  Self loves the scene where Ella May hugs Drew Thompson in the marshall’s office.  The scene is framed so that we see Raylan sitting at the table next to them, not paying them any attention.  Oh, but the next scene after that is Winona!  Winona with a wee little baby bump!  Still in high heels!  What expectant mother wears high heels when re-decorating a baby’s room?  Self hopes and prays that Winona does not get to be a major player in Season 5.
  • Joelle Carter, who plays Ava, is wearing the most fabulous synthetic leather, rust-colored jacket.  Hair swept off her face is not Ava’s most flattering look.
  • Self was made absolutely dizzy by the suitcases of cash being toted around Harlan County:  a few episodes back, it was $150,000.  Then it became $300,000.  In last night’s episode, there was actually mention of $500,000.  Ava gets to tote it to Ellstin Limehouse’s lair.

The only confusing thing about last night’s episode was:  How did Deputy Marshall Tim Gutterson happen by the preacher’s sister’s tent just at the moment when Colt threatened with a gun?  Wasn’t Gutterson, a few scenes earlier, in Ellstin Limehouse’s neighborhood?  Wasn’t he given explicit instructions by Raylan to wait by the car, or some such?  Or perhaps the preacher’s sister’s tent happens to be right next to the Limehouse lair?

Never mind.  She loves any scene with Gutterson.  She particularly likes his asking of Colt:  “Did you shoot my friend?”  Naturally, we all know the answer is YES!  In fact, his asking the question is simply a rhetorical device.  It’s there just so that we can get to see Ron Eldard (who plays Colt) grimace, take a cigarette out of his jacket, smoke, weigh his chances, and then go out with a frightful and unnerving bang.  Excellent!

The season is about to end.  Oh boo, boo, boo.  But then, Game of Thrones Season 3 is starting.  Self cannot tell you how excited she is for Game of Thrones.  She got hooked while cooling her heels in Bacolod last year.  It’s the reason she decided to sign up for HBO!  The finale of Season 1, where the dragon emerges from the bonfire that consumes the evil sorceress and lands on Daenerys’ shoulder —  Wow!  Priceless! But, as usual, self is getting ahead of herself.

Stay tuned, dear blog readers.  Stay tuned.

The Writer at 16: “Bivouac,” Part II

“Bivouac,” Part II

Elena and some of the other girls spent the hours before lunch gathering colorful stones to take back as souvenirs to Manila.  Their fair skin blushed an angry red because of the intense heat, perspiration gleamed on their necks and backs, and the hot rocks baked their feet, but they were happier than when they had been lying in the flimsy tents with the darkness assaulting their senses.

Elena was reminded of Matabungkay, where she and her family used to spend long weekends.  There was the same laughter hanging in the air, the same feeling of companionship.  She wished she could remain on the beach the whole day, but the sergeant had announced that morning that they were going on a hike to the tunnel the Americans had built on the other side of the island during World War II.  He had sounded as apologetic as ever, and blushed ridiculously for a grown man.

(If self had remained in the Philippines, she probably would have continued writing like this:  unhurried descriptions, langurous moods.  But —  water under the bridge.  Now she is here, and she has perfected the art of telegraphing emotion in very short, spare pieces.  Probably because, here, she is always pressed for time!)

The Moon Again (Last Tuesday of March 2013)

Self is in the tiny room at the back of her house, the one with French windows, through which she can see the moon.  It is almost exactly the same as it was last night:  that is, it is round.  It is white.  There are clouds around it.  It looks scary.  Like a Vampire Moon. But let’s not think of that now.  Only 10 more minutes until Justified!

To pass the time, she is reading Don Quijote.  It is very (needless to say) entertaining.  Even, hilarious.

In the passage self reads, Don Quijote and his faithful servant, Sancho Panza, present at an inn, both covered in bruises, though they insist on maintaining that their injuries were the result of a fall:

“They weren’t blows,” said Sancho (to the innkeeper’s skeptical wife), “but there were a lot of sharp and bumpy places on that rock . . . ”

“I didn’t fall,” said Sancho Panza, “but seeing the somersault my master took, it made me hurt all over, and I felt as if I’d been given a thousand blows.”

“That really could be,” said the damsel, “because it’s often happened to me that I dream I’m falling off a tower, but I never reach the ground, and yet when I wake up I’m as weak and breathless as if I’d really fallen.”

What else happened to self today?

Oh yes:  carried Bella The Ancient One in and out, three times.  Bella whined piteously, wanting something, not water, even with self sitting right beside her on the grass.  Pant, pant, pant.  It pains self to listen to her.  “Bella!” self calls.  “Bella!  Bella!  Bella!”

Can she be in pain?  No, her eyes don’t have that clouded look.

Bella and self will just have to endure it, this chasm of understanding between them.  This mystery.

Stay tuned.

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