To the Four Winds

Since Joel the driver has gone who knows where (His wife embarked for Dubai in late January, after which he seems to have vanished into thin air ???), self has had to make do in Bacolod without a driver.  Today she finally decided to bite the bullet and try to find a driver on her own.

She was given the number of one “Rudyard” (Rudyard, as in Rudyard Kipling, that is the beautiful and terrible lyricism of Bacolod, which never fails to strike deep into self’s very soul) and in conversation today with aforementioned, she stated her conditions:

  1. He must speak good English.
  2. He must be willing to travel at a moment’s notice (like, tomorrow) and stay one or two nights in a yet undisclosed place.
  3. He must not only be an excellent driver but also trustworthy:  “More a bantay than a driver,” self explained to Rudyard.

“Ma’am,” Rudyard replied with great enthusiasm and energy.  “I have that person.”

“You have what?” self said, scarcely believing her ears.

“I am telling you, Ma’am, that I have that person.  That person you have just described.  Exactly that person.”

Oh happy happy joy joy!

“Produce him forthwith!” self declared.

“At what time?” quoth Rudyard.

“OK, 8 a.m.!  Tomorrow!”  (Then self remembered that she had scheduled a manicure)  “No!  I mean 10 a.m.!”

“It will be done, Ma’am,” said the supremely confident Rudyard.  “And by the way,” he continued, “what shall be your code name?”

“My code name?” self inquired, completely at a loss.

“Yes, Ma’am, in situations such as these, requiring extreme confidentiality, we never ask the client for a real name, only a code name.”

(Self must have stumbled into a James Bond picture overnight.  Self, enough of these digressions!  You need to focus!  FOCUS!  Self must admit that, since arriving in Bacolod over a week ago, she has been so paralyzed with indecision that she has done nothing but eat.  And eat.  And eat.  Which is why Tina, the girl who does her laundry, who knows self from January, said to her four times today:  “Ma’am, tumaba ka.”)

“OK, make my code name Sea Bass,” self declared (How thankful she is that she remembers son’s handle from the long-ago time when he still lived in self’s house and played computer games all night, to the detriment of his grades.  Son’s “handle” was Sea Bass.  What a memory you have, self!)

“Sea — b- buh — ” quoth Rudyard.

“Sea bass!  Sea bass!”  self chanted.  “You know, the fish!  Sea bass!”

“Ah, yes,” replied Rudyard.  “We shall call for you tomorrow looking for Sea Bass.”

“That’s right,” self said.

And now she is all super excited.  Even though she is also exhausted, and fell asleep at 8 p.m. (after having Gambas at Pendy’s), and kept dreaming that she was on the set of The Mummy, the movie that starred Brendan Fraser.  She could hardly move, her limbs were so heavy, even though the horrible giant mummy (with strangely Aztec-looking headdress) had risen from the sand and was threatening self’s very existence.

Now she is awake.  There is a horrible clattering sound of a trolley in the hallway.

Yesterday, self was in Murcia.  She even spotted Ida’s lazy husband, shooting the breeze on a street corner with similarly drunk cronies.  Then she went to his house, and spotted the black Hi-Lux that she remembers Ida using to pick her up from the airport, a few months ago.  So the couple (or at least Ida) was home.

Self cannot yet explain why she feels such terrible animosity for this woman (who Dear Bro Yoo-Hoo claims is the very salt of the earth).  She would also like to impart that tomorrow, she will tell Elenita in the Balay Daku that if this erstwhile cousin keeps casting aspersions against self (during board meetings when self cannot be present), she will sue Elenita for defamation.  She thinks she might even have a slight chance of winning such a suit.  In fact, as she told a cousin today, “You know I have the money to do it.”  Ah, self, you are such a Bacoleña, so seemingly patient but given to wild bursts of improbable, imaginative activity!

Ready, world, here comes Sea Bass!   BWAH HA HA HAAAA!

Stay tuned, dear blog readers.  Stay tuned.

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