For Those Who Find Themselves Adrift in America

Here are some sure-fire things you can do to enhance your American life:

  • Eat.  Develop rolls and rolls of jelly fat.  America is # 1 place for hamburger, steak, and fast food.  Why knock it?  Just close your eyes and enjoy it.  The most fattening food imaginable are:  fro-yo; Coke;  and anything from Popeye’s.  French fries are also good:  the best are from The Counter or Hayes Street Grill in San Francisco.  Go to a diner or, even better, many diners.  Make sure you wear shorts, exhibit your thigh ripples, and BE PROUD!  This is America!  Belly rolls are a badge of honor in the ‘burbs!
  • Pamper your pooch.  Dogs are an American’s best friend.  Lose yourself in Petco.  Take classes to improve your dog grooming skills.
  • Read.  You will not have one million relatives knocking at your door or texting.  No one will know if you disappear into the library for days.  Weeks.  Months.  No one will notice.  Trust self.  Be trés geeky.  Lug around Crime and Punishment.  Better yet, lug around Vol. 6 of Edward Gibbons’ Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire.  Tacitus may be an acceptable substitute.  Especially if hardcover.
  • Watch “trash TV.”  Some of self’s favorites:  America’s Next Top Model, The Real Housewives of New York City, The Real Housewives of Orange County.  Or watch the SYFY channel:  last night, self watched a movie where Ryan Reynolds, a vaguely Eliza Dushku-looking woman, and three American brats get sucked into the evil para-normal vibes of a quaint country house (“Amityville Horror”).  Self thinks one of the brats was a very very young Chloe Moretz.  Or perhaps one can go the more classy route and watch “Warehouse 13.”  (One need not go as low as “The World According to Paris.”)
  • Watch Steven Colbert and Jon Stewart and fancy yourself trés cool.  Or Letterman, if you can understand him.  Do NOT EVER stoop to watching Leno.
  • If you are a writer like self, send out, to at least 20 magazines a day.  Make the post office clerks (usually Filipina, a boon) your BFFs.  Think of what you can do with all those rejection slips!  Make wall art, wrap dog doo doo (though this may be difficult:  some rejection slips, post-recession, are about 1/4 the size of an index card), use to dab your greasy lips post-French Fry consumption, dab over bacon strips to absorb grease, shred and use as confetti at a friend’s wedding, use the reverse side to write telephone messages, or pin to your summer linen blazer as some kind of statement.  The sky’s the limit!
  • Watch Ryan Reynolds movies.  Watch Woody Allen movies.  Watch Owen Wilson movies.  Watch Sandra Bullock movies.  Watch Naomi Watts movies.  Watch Will Ferrell movies.  Or watch all Zack Snyder movies (starting, of course, with “300”).  Watch “X-Men:  First Class,” over and over —  the multiplex is probably a lot cooler than your apartment.  Pay meticulous attention to every bulge on Michael Fassbender’s arms.
  • Get all fired up for the Fourth of July.  Prepare red, white, and blue outfit.
  • Garden.  Gardening, while not exactly the best way to lose weight, will make you feel productive.
  • Keep withdrawing cash from the ATM.  Never look at your bank balance.  Make daily withdrawals a practice in self-discipline.  Then, write about a writer who goes bananas and pretends he/she is rich.  Sell or self-publish.  Get a facebook page for manuscript.  “Friend” at least 200 people, only the ones who are cool.  This means excluding people who knew you in high school.  You’ll always be a loser to those people, even if you’ve had Botox and/or a face lift.

And now, self would just like to add that she is absolutely devastated by the discovery that Heather Havrilesky, one of self’s favorite writers, is no longer writing for  Dismay!  Anger!  Shock!  Self only found out yesterday, but apparently Heather’s been gone since December!  (Heather, the only good reason for leaving your loyal fans in the lurch would be because you are writing a book.  It will never quite make up for the big gap that you left in self’s television viewing life —  the only reason self didn’t notice earlier is because she was still in the thick of her personal Bacolod epic in December and January —  but at least self can fantasize that you are now on your way to becoming a Rich Famous Author.  Which you absolutely deserve to become, Heather.  Truly)

Stay tuned, dear blog readers.  Stay tuned.

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