And Now For Something Completely Different …

Toad lilies in self’s garden, profusely blooming now:

These little beauties are only about a third of an inch large.  Self had to crouch down all the way close, and for whatever reason, her normally shaky hands did not flinch.

Stay tuned!

A Curse on All SUVs!!!

Self was creamed, creamed, in her little Altima, by a huge grey Mercedes SUV, as she was merging from Redwood Avenue onto El Camino.

This monster was on its way to deliver a young woman to the airport, for her semester abroad, and was being driven by the girl’s mother. It was just exiting the Bed, Bath & Beyond parking lot. Self was almost to El Camino when she felt the hit, like a very strong blow, to the side.  It literally almost made self sick, to know some missile had launched and connected.

The woman driver accused self of hitting her, which was impossible. Self would never go head to head against a Mercedes SUV. She’s just too wimpy. Besides, the huge dent in self’s car was on the rear passenger door, and the dent in the SUV (Self was surprised that her Altima could manage to even dent something as huge as that SUV) was in the front.  So unless self had made up her mind to hit the SUV by going sideways, like a crab, she couldn’t have been the one to hit her.

That thing, by the way, had monster tires that looked about as massive as tree trunks:  self had never seen tires that big from that proximity.  Now, self thinks it was extremely lucky that her car is still running, that it hadn’t flipped, that in fact all that happened was that the rear passenger door crumpled in.  Five stars to Nissan!  But why didn’t the airbags deploy?  (On the other hand, thank God the airbags didn’t deploy:  self has seen people who’ve had airbags open after an accident, and they look like they’ve been beaten up, with black eyes and everything)

Most probably, the woman couldn’t believe how slowly self was driving and decided to nudge her along a little bit.

Self had to wait for the police, the woman’s irate husband (who drove up in another Mercedes, black, not an SUV) and listen to the woman tell her husband, at least four times:  “It was her fault!”

Which is, like, helloooo!

The policewoman came (twice as tall as self, a real giantess), looked at the damage, sent the other woman away, handed self a police report and now self is looking at that absolutely beat up old Altima, which has almost 200,000 miles, and which was still able to get her home, after all that.

Self called son: poor guy, he was in Target with Amanda, buying things for his new apartment. And he had to listen to his mother squawking about being creamed by a SUV. And the first thing son said was: Was dad with you? Are you hurt? Are you in the hospital?

And his classes start on Monday!

Focus, self, focus! At least it was not son’s Honda that was hit by a SUV.  It seems incredible that, just a little earlier, self had been beset by woe because she discovered that a nifty little web-zine named Identity Theory was no more.  And had absolutely nothing on her plate for the rest of the weekend, other than watching the Emmys and finding out who won the Best Lead Actress in a Drama.

Self is just so sad. For, as she told hubby, “When your car gets a huge ding like that, other drivers lose all respect for you, and when they park next to you they open their car doors with even greater force, even if it means dinging your car a little more, and so dings just keep piling on, like a snowball down a mountainside, and let’s face it, that car is ready for the junk heap! Time to send its soul on to the Great Paradise for Old, Beaten-Up Cars!” Self was just about to wash it, too. Because it was stained with cherry juice from the trees growing over her driveway. Now, she has a car that is not only all caved in on one side, but is absolutely covered with cherry stains.

Let’s look at the bright side of things:

  • If self had cleaned her car, as she’d planned to do today, and it got hit by that SUV, she might now be thinking: Gee, why did I have to waste all that time cleaning my car when it was just going to end up a wreck anyhow ???
  • Just before the accident, self managed to visit Costco and cart home a crate of canned chicken broth, a box of Lysol toilet bowl cleaner, and a box of Tempura shrimp. Naturally, after the accident, all she managed to do was return home and douse her sorrows in beer (hubby’s stash of Hefeweizen, because she finished all her Negro Modelo last week).   So, self did think:  Thank God I made it to Costco before the accident!
  • If she had not been hit by the SUV, self would have made it to her appointment with her hairdresser in Menlo Park, and she would have been out $60 (Self knows she cannot afford $60 haircuts, but her hairdresser is her friend and has been cutting self’s hair for over 10 years and self just feels so guilty about going elsewhere.  That time she had her hair cut at Juut, a month or so ago?  Total uncharacteristic moment of impulse).  At least now, those $60 are still nestled in self’s wallet.  Strange as it may seem, this thought occurred to self just as she was retrieving her insurance information from the glove compartment.

Stay tuned, dear blog readers. Stay tuned.


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