Anthony Lane on “Iron Man 2”

The other day, hubby was watching “Aliens” on flat-screen HDTV, and self kept up an almost continuous ribbing, saying “That’s the worst sequel I’ve ever seen!” and “Shut up!” whenever the little girl, Newt, was screaming.

Hubby ignored self and continued watching.

Close to the end of “Aliens,” Sigourney dons the full-metal suit and … Wait a minute! That donning of a full-metal “body jacket” does remind self so much of “Iron Man”! And she hates that “Iron Man 2” had two people suiting up (overkill, if you ask self), as Don Cheadle joins Robert Downey, Jr., though his suit is silver, to distinguish him from Iron Man.

Anyhoo, this evening, while waiting for “Justified” Episode 11 to come on (BWAH. HA. HA. HA! Let’s see if self can drag hubby away from post-game interviews on ESPN!), self is reading Anthony Lane’s review of “Iron Man 2.”

Lane professes to like the Iron Man Franchise. He even says, in Paragraph 1 of his review: “I like the Iron Man franchise.”

“In contrast to Bruce Wayne,” Lane writes, “who appears to have learned his public-relations technique from Thomas Pynchon, Tony relates to his public all too well.” (Wait — Thomas Pynchon ??? The only thing Thomas Pynchon has in common with Bruce Wayne is — the fact that they were both mentioned by Anthony Lane in the same sentence!)

In his review, Lane quotes one of self’s favorite moments from the movie: The moment when Tony Stark says that he has “successfully privatized world peace.” (Only someone with the charm of Robert Downey, Jr. can utter that line without sounding like — like a BP oil executive! Imagine Christian Bale saying such a line???)

Anyhoo, self’s personal take on the movie is that the first third was very good. She was so lost by the time Samuel Jackson (Fury) entered the picture, and then Scar-Jo was revealed to be actually working for him, and then self didn’t know why Scar-Jo (aka the Black Widow) was still getting along well with Gwynnie (aka Pepper Potts), and self felt she was missing whole chunks of exposition. But her biggest complaint was: why was Mickey Rourke only given two fight scenes? Who wants to spend all that time watching Mickey Rourke sit in front of a computer, sending in robots to fight Iron Man by remote control? Certainly not self!

She wanted to see the fabulous whips in action! She wanted to see Rourke’s glinting gold teeth! She wanted to see his scary machismo almost cream Robert Downey, Jr. and thin, pert Gwynnie and ever-faithful (and growing cuter with every film) bodyguard/driver Jon Favreau!

The rest of Lane’s review is full of references to such irrelevancies as Gregory Peck (Gregory Peck! Self can tell ya right now, Gregory Peck and Robert Downey, Jr. don’t even belong on the same PLA-net!)

Stay tuned.

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