The New “Robin Hood” : A Series of Highly Irrelevant Thoughts

Of course hubby and self saw “Robin Hood” this weekend. Of course. Not only is “Gladiator” on hubby’s list of Ten Best Movies of all Time, two other Riddley Scott movies are on it: “Alien” and “Blade Runner.” Here are self’s thoughts:

  1. It might have been better to call this movie “Maid Marian.”
  2. Hubby maintained that Russell Crowe looked “older.” Self didn’t think this, but she really found it funny that hubby would bring it up. (For aren’t we all getting older? In fact, doesn’t each one of us already have one foot in the grave? Who wants to be reminded that Crowe — and by extension, ourselves — are all getting older? Let’s skip this line of thought, shall we, dear blog readers?)
  3. One thing self has to hand to Russell Crowe: he really knows how to handle a horse (which brings self to another highly irrelevant thought : On Letterman. Crowe — or was it Letterman? — said that one way to know if someone actually knew how to ride a horse was to check if he kept his heels down as he rode. So, self couldn’t help looking at Crowe’s feet every time there was a full-body shot of him on a horse. Alas, she could never actually be sure that his heels were down)
  4. The arrows are thick, wooden things. They looked about an inch in diameter. Can you imagine one of those things sticking into you? How could any man survive even just one of those things sticking out of his chest? This was a thought that occurred to self every time there was an arrow close-up.
  5. Cate Blanchett is sooo thin!
  6. Battle scenes, self could have done without.
  7. There was a bunch of feral kids hanging out in the forest, only one of whom had the great privilege of wearing a really fab mask seemingly made out of mud and twigs. Who was this kid? Why did only the one kid get to have a mask? Was it because he was the leader? Alas, do not expect this question to be answered by the movie, dear blog readers.
  8. What was Robin Hood’s real name? Self thought all along it was Robert Locksley, then this movie maintains he was actually called “Robert Longstride” (!!!) Self knows she will never find a satisfactory answer to this question unless she reads the big book of “Robin Hood” that she gave to son one year, and which he’s left in his room.
  9. But self did find the King John moments rather good.  (In contrast, Eleanor of Aquitaine was completely forgettable.  Couldn’t they have cast someone with the delicious camp malevolence of a Glenn Close?) Who is that English actor? Self finds it amazing that every time she watches a movie with English actors, they are never any one she has ever heard of. Exhibit A: Michael Fassbender.  Exhibit B:  Tom Wisdom. She imagines Britain must simply be crawling with competent actors. In fact, it has such a wealth of these types that no two British movies need ever have the same leading man — except, that is, for the ones starring Orlando Bloom, Jude Law, James McAvoy or Ewan McGregor.

Two out of four stars.

Stay tuned, dear blog readers. Stay tuned.

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