Yes, as dear blog readers can gather from the title of this post, self has just seen “Shutter Island.” Who knew that Scorsese channeling Hitchcock = cheese? And we’re talking maaajor cheese here. The kind of cheese that makes “Titanic” look brilliant!
You remember that scene in Indiana Jones III (“Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade”) where we find out that Indy hates rats? (Or is it snakes?) And he’s stuck in the catacombs with his dad played by Sean Connery and that blonde German-who-turns-out-to-be-a-traitoress, and millions of rats come pouring through the tunnels? Well, “Shutter Island,” has something similar. Though in the latter film, this is only the latest in a long series of ludicrous touches (Ludicrous + Scorsese does not equal Luc Besson brilliance. Oh, no. If self had to describe it, she would have to say that this is something more akin to the low of the Paul Verhoeven “Showgirls” — so now Martin Scorsese has his own very personal “Showgirls” moment)
Anyhoo, you know that any movie with Leonardo di Caprio that causes self’s eyelids to flutter has got to be abysmal. Because self loves Leo! She thinks he’s one of our best (American) actors! In fact, his presence in the film, and that of Mark Ruffalo, are the only things that save this movie from being an F! A total F! Poor Michelle Williams, who plays Leo’s dead wife, is forced to look portentously secretive (which means narrowing her eyes — get it? Get it? When she narrows her eyes, you know she is meant to, to — well, never mind! It’s significant, that’s all self can tell ya!)
This movie was so bad that the Redwood City audience was hooting and breaking out in giggles at scenes that were supposed to be scary. Aaargh! Self could have been writing! She could have been reading yet another Edward P. Jones story! She could have been planting her new chrysanthemum (a “Silver Princess” — Color: white)! It’s all hubby’s fault! He’s the one who wanted to see “Shutter Island”! Self would have been content skipping a movie this weekend, since she already had her Luc Besson/Jonathan Rhys-Meyers fix yesterday! (Though, on the positive side, self did get to watch yet another preview of “Clash of the Titans.” She still thinks Sam Worthington doesn’t seem to fit the part — at least, not with that Marine buzz cut he sports in the movie — but she can never get enough of the line “Release the Kraken!”)
Stay tuned, dear blog readers. Stay tuned.