Tiger and Elin: The Play, Scene I

Bear with self, dear blog readers. The following is not a factual account, merely a fanciful re-imagining of what might have led to Tiger jumping into his SUV barefoot and skedaddling away from his house, the night he hit the fire hydrant, caused $30,000 worth of damage and got charged with a measly two points on his driver’s license. (What follows is rather rough, self still fiddling with the dialogue.)

Tiger: Honey, there’s nothing between me and Rachel. It’s all platonic. Really.

Elin: Really? Oh, that’s so wonderful, honey. I feel all better now. Go to sleep.

Tiger: All right (Takes Ambien, crawls into bed)

Elin creeps over to Tiger’s cell, looks up recent calls. Finds number of Rachel. Sends a text message to aforementioned, pretending to be Tiger (At this point, self would just like to interject: Very smart, Elin! Hell hath no fury, etc etc!).

Rachel (responding to Elin’s TXT msg): I thought you said you were going to sleep — ?

Elin abandons caution to the winds, dials Ms. Rachel’s number.

Rachel: Hello?

Elin: You bitch! You’re having an affair with my husband!

Rachel: Now calm down here! It’s not what you —

Click! Elin hangs up on her. Goes to Tiger, jabs him hard in the side, shrieking. Tiger wakes up. Disoriented.

Elin: You asshole! I just found out you lied!

(At this point, self still hasn’t decided whether Elin will be standing over Tiger with a golf club in her hands. Or whether she should pick it up later. What do you think, dear blog readers?)

Tiger is speechless. Grabs his pants, jumps into SUV, forgetting his shoes. Crashes into fire hydrant. Elin runs out with a golf club. Finds Tiger unconscious on the ground, snoring.

The End. (Possible casting choices: For Tiger, Wesley Snipes. For Elin, Scarjo. Or Jessica Biehl, with a dye job.)

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