Biggest Surprises About “G. I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra” (Spoiler Alert!)

  1. Brendan Fraser is in it, but in a role so teensy self can’t even describe it as “a bit role.” Self thinks it is outrageous that Brendan Fraser and a co-star from “The Mummy” (the guy who plays the evil high priest), are in this movie together, and the evil high priest has the bigger role.
  2. Sienna Miller has great cheekbones. But she cannot act. Having a good chest and a leggy walk does not mean that one can forego the necessity to act.
  3. American audiences are expected to regard it as a tragedy that the Eiffel Tower is about to be blown up by terrorists. Self doesn’t really care what happens to the Eiffel Tower. After all, she’s gotten to be quite an advanced age without having seen this monument in person, and though that may make her seem like an utter philistine when compared to the likes of Dearest Mum, who’s probably seen it at least a dozen times, self doesn’t think the destruction of the Eiffel Tower is quite as tragic as, say, the destruction of a ship containing thousands of innocent victims, like the Titanic.
  4. Channing Tatum can act, but here he’s not required to do any —  acting, that is.  Unless you consider looking tenderly at Sienna Miller acting (Heck, any guy can do that!)
  5. Joseph Gordon-Levitt plays the bad guy. Yup, you read that right. The sensitive guy who self just saw in “500 Days of Summer” is here playing what at first self took to be Keanu Reeves with bad facial make-up.
  6. Marlon Wayans is funny. Is that enough to carry a movie? ‘Fraid not.
  7. The password to unlocking the weapons that will destroy the missiles headed for the White House is in Celtic. The genius who comes up with this crucial information says it for Marlon Wayans and he repeats it for the benefit of a voice-activated missile-release system. But when he repeats this crucial Celtic word, it doesn’t sound Celtic at all. Wonder if the computer controlling the missiles was programmed to accept the word, no matter how it was pronounced. Say, you said the word “Shalom” and you messed up and said “Halah” or something like that. Would the missiles still be deployed? ‘Fraid so.
  8. The baddest guy is Scottish.  The premise is that these Scots are still torn up over what was done to an ancestor in the 17th century.  (Come to think of it, how would you, self, react if some French jailer put a mask of hot lead over the face of one of your esteemed ancestors?  Wouldn’t you, too, want to stoke the fires of revenge-lust over four centuries, on the off-chance that one of your great-great-great-great grandchildren could form a massive weapons manufacturing conglomerate that could avenge said ancestor?  Well, wouldn’t you???)

Hubby wanted so much to see “District 9.” But self was under the impression it might be a tad depressing. Even, violent (as if that ever stopped self before. Let’s just go ahead and call a spade a spade: she wanted to see Channing!)

Stay tuned, dear blog readers, stay tuned.

4 Comments

  1. August 19, 2009 at 4:49 am

    The more I look at Joseph Gordon-Levitt, the more I think he looks like a young dark-haired Heath Ledger.

  2. August 19, 2009 at 4:50 am

    He DOES! Have you seen “Brick”?

  3. August 19, 2009 at 4:48 pm

    Yes. Love love love Brick. The director Rian is great with genre crossing, so I don’t know what happened to the Brothers Bloom. Meh.

  4. August 19, 2009 at 4:53 pm

    Yes, too bad about Brothers Bloom. I had high hopes for it because of the cast.

    But he should have stuck to the glorious language of “Brick” — that language that I couldn’t understand half the time, that made me realize I was watching a genre-bender…


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