Self missed the first five minutes of tonight’s episode. Whenever The Man knows how badly self wants to watch something, he does something creative like turn the sound down completely, and pretend he can hear fine while self asks plaintively, Can you please turn up the volume. Those few precious seconds before self walks to the TV and turns up the sound herself, those are his triumph.
Tonight, self was in front of her computer in son’s room, but she kept one ear cocked for the Game of Thrones theme music. At precisely 9:04, she dashed to the living room to check and found Sansa being rowed out to a ship: apparently, the episode had started a few minutes earlier. The Man was grinning like a Cheshire Cat. Do you see what an effort is required of self to maintain some semblance of equanimity, dear blog readers? To blog on a regular basis, when someone is constantly playing tricks on her? Nevertheless, self is nothing if not determined. She will not — repeat, NOT — permit anyone’s silly antics to distract her from her true avowed purpose!
As soon as Khaleesi enters the picture, self tears her eyes from the flat-screen HDTV to post. There’s some hoo-ha about which of Khaleesi’s champions will confront the challenger from the opposing army. The hunk Daario wins the bidding competition and doesn’t even need to get within six feet of his opponent — slain, QED. Piss on the ground afterwards to show extent of contempt. Self still can’t get over that this Daario is brown-haired, while the one last season was blonde. Plus, why does Khaleesi still sound as if she’s taking vocal enunciation lessons.
There is more amusing chicanery with Arya and The Hound, in which a poor farmer gets banged on the head with the blunt end of a sword and loses all his silver.
Cersei and Ser Jaime have wild, hot sex, in front of Joffrey’s corpse.
The New Malevolence (The character’s name is Oberyn Martell, which sounds seriously ridiculous. Let’s stick to calling him The New Malevolence) is shown cavorting in bed with a blonde boy-whore, who reveals he is 25 years old. There is ample view of the boy’s backside, as well as of the ample bosoms of sundry anonymous harlots.
Tyrion has a very emo scene with faithful Podrick. As he turns to go, Podrick reveals that he has been offered a knighthood in return for his offering testimony against Tyrion at his trial. At which Tyrion urges him to get as far away from King’s Landing as possible. “Podrick,” quoth Tyrion, “This is good-bye.” Oh, the FEELZ!
Sam does something incomprehensible: in order to save Gilly from the lustful stares of 100 warriors at Castle Black, he drops her off at a brothel, where she is surrounded by xxx awful harlots and their dubious clientele. In exchange for some coin, Gilly and her baby are offered a place to sleep — in a filthy barn stall. Yes, Sam, way to show your love.
The Wildlings (that’s Ygritte, for those of you not quite up to speed on GOT) and their new Cannibal Allies attack a village, wreak bloodthirsty mayhem, and ensure that one little boy escapes to Castle Black to deliver horrible eyewitness account of the atrocities.
Khaleesi hurls parcels over the walls of a mountain fortress. As the people within seem to consist of either: a) bare-chested slaves; and b) sissies in blue silk tunics, self is quite satisfied that this gesture will result in easy victory. She doesn’t even have to wait for the Big Reveal to know the outcome, but all right all right, here’s what the parcels actually contained: broken chain collars. Three Cheers for the Ever Righteous Khaleesi! Always so on point with political symbolism!
Will Littlefinger preserve Sansa’s honor or will he — gulp — tarnish her purity? (For only the nth time, self finds herself exclaiming, regarding Sansa: SHE IS SO STUPID)
Will Jaime ever be able to keep his thing in his pants in future encounters with his beloved sister? WHERE IS BRIENNE WHEN YOU NEED HER?
No further scenes of Theon degradation in this episode, thank goodness. WHERE IS YARA GREYJOY?
Ser Davos asks his little friend, the princess with scales on her cheek, to write him a magnificent letter saying xxxx
(To be continued. Self will be in London for 4.4. She’s not sure if the place she’s staying at will have TV in the rooms. Where oh where can she watch the episode?)
Stay tuned, dear blog readers. Stay tuned.